I’m sure it’s no coincidence that a new limited series, “Maid,” debuted on Netflix on October 1st, the first day of Domestic Violence Awareness Month. The story is inspired by a real survivor’s experience, although names and details are changed, characters are added, etc. The story follows Alex, a single mom who left her emotionally abusive and alcoholic husband in the middle of the night with their daughter, Maddy. Alex faces one challenge and roadblock after another as she fights for an independent life away from her abuser.
I binged the show in just a couple of days so I could write about it this month. If I’m being honest, as someone who works with survivors, I watched this show ready to pick apart all of the things the producers got wrong. But I was pleasantly surprised with all of the things they got absolutely right. I think that this show is eye-opening, even for those of us who work with survivors of domestic abuse. We understand the hoops that survivors have to jump through, but as you watch this show, you feel like you are living it. I felt as though I knew Alex’s fear, her anger, her frustration, her helplessness, her highs and her lows.
The show offers takeaways for everyone, but I encourage survivors to watch with discretion because some of the material might be triggering. That’s why I want to give a brief recap of these takeaways – because I know not everyone will be able to watch it, and that’s okay.
A phrase that we so often use at our agency is that “you are the expert of your own story.” This has never been more clear to me than as I was watching this show. Oftentimes, things were happening in the story and I found myself questioning Alex’s decisions. But then, in a later episode, I would get more backstory and everything would make sense. As advocates, we might never know the whole story. Our job is to support you on your journey – not make decisions for you. You are the expert of your own story.
Another takeaway I want to reinforce to survivors is that we believe you, even in situations when the law isn’t on your side. Our agency understands that abuse isn’t always physical, and “Maid” does an amazing job of illustrating that. The show highlights how abusers isolate partners both financially and socially. They show how abusers try to control their victims and intimidate them with threats, sometimes without ever putting a hand on them. And they show how in situations like this, family and friends often don’t even believe survivors. Worse than that, it’s even harder to prove the abuse in the eyes of the law. But oftentimes victim services – like domestic violence shelters and services from our hotline – don’t require you to be able to prove abuse to be eligible to work with an advocate and get help.
The third takeaway is that you have to take care of you before you can take care of anyone else. Throughout the story, Alex finds herself looking after her mentally ill and homeless mother. It adds an extra layer to an already very complicated and difficult situation. By the end of the story, Alex has to let her mother go her own way so she can pursue what’s right for her and her daughter. It’s an impossible decision – but one that so many people have to make. You can’t fill other people’s cups when yours is empty, and you can’t help people who aren’t ready to be helped. In these situations, you have to do what’s best and safest for you.
I could go on and on, but the final takeaway I want to highlight is that help is available. Accepting help is truly one of the hardest things a person can do. Our pride gets in the way. We don’t want to admit that we are not okay, and we don’t want to admit that we can’t do things alone. But “Maid” shows just how hard it is to get out of a bad situation even if you do accept help, let alone if you don’t. When people or agencies hold out a hand to help, take the hand if it’s safe to do so. Alex’s story did not become easy when she accepted the help that had been offered to her, but it did become possible. This help looked like 7 different forms of government assistance (even though it wasn’t easy to get) and going to a domestic violence shelter and accepting the free food, clothes, cellphone, and safety that they could off her even if only for a short time. The help looked like accepting a friend’s offer to let her borrow his car when hers was totaled in an accident. The helped look like calling to get a ride to safety in the middle of the night after her abuser returned her borrowed car to further isolate her. To make a long story short, if people are offering to help, it’s probably not because they pity you – it’s because they didn’t get to where they are without some help too, and they have the capacity to realize that and to use it to help someone else. Your turn will come to help someone else, but for now – take the hand.
The Iowa Victim Service Call Center is here. We are holding out that hand 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. We will do whatever we can to help you find safety, independence, and a life free from abuse. Call 1.800.770.1650 or text “iowahelp” to 20121.